The Different Forms of Abandonment

Everyone experiences abandonment and rejection at some point in their life. Each time we are taken for granted, used, and treated as if we were meaningless, it is akin to abandonment. By this definition, there are many different forms of abandonment and different ways in which we experience it. Being able to identify bad treatment or toxic relationships is the first step in our beginning to heal from abandonment trauma.

Forms of Abandonment

Needs Not Being Met Every person at every stage of life has needs, and the deepest of these can only be met in the context of relationships. A newborn has obvious needs (to be fed, kept warm and dry, and have skin-to-skin contact), but as she develops, her needs become more complex.

We are indeed most vulnerable to abandonment trauma in our developmental years, but we might experience abandonment in relationships where our needs are not met. Sometimes we can be made to feel invisible and inconsequential in a relationship, to the point that we ignore our own needs. When this happens, we have been abandoned by our loved ones and by ourselves.

Boundaries Not Being Respected It can be hard for some people to know or uphold their boundaries, but even they will feel disrespected and ultimately abandoned when their boundaries are constantly disrespected.

When someone fails to respect our boundaries, they are communicating that we matter less than they do. The things that we try to protect, like our time, our peace, our personal space, or our routines, become resources for someone else to use and abuse. This is a form of abandonment because once again, we are made to feel worthless.

Being Lied To Or Feeling Betrayed There is a special kind of hurt that comes from being lied to. Whether it’s an ongoing deception or a “white” lie told to spare our feelings, the truth stings when it comes out because we have been disrespected.

When we trust someone, we let our guard down with them because we never imagined they would cause us harm; there is no need to protect ourselves. When the betrayal comes, it hurts all the more because it often leads us to question our worth.

Lack Of Reciprocal Affection Loving, caring for, and serving someone who doesn’t return that treatment is a special kind of pain and one that amounts to abandonment. There are many reasons people get involved in dynamics that lack reciprocal affection, but the result is abandonment trauma.

They might feel abandoned by the object of their affection, and whether they realize it or not, they have abandoned themselves in continuing to pursue that toxic relationship. They might have spared themselves the resources they poured out, the time they spent, not to mention their mental health, if only they had left the relationship and moved on.

When People Fail To Show Up For You There can be a lack of reciprocal affection in friendships and family dynamics, too. This often happens with people who are thoughtful, competent, and constant in showing up for others.

They are so reliable in their ability to show up for others that their friends or family simply expect it from them without returning any care or support. These situations are more difficult to deal with than romantic situations because it’s harder to walk away from friends or family. Calling them out for toxic behavior and reestablishing your boundaries in these situations is more complicated, too.

Showing Up For Yourself

When we find ourselves pursuing people who don’t return our affection, being part of friend groups who use us, or engaging with people who make demands of us that violate our boundaries, we are essentially putting them and their needs before our own.

Whether we are people-pleasers or simply haven’t realized the cost of some of these connections, the first step we need to make is showing up for ourselves and upholding our boundaries. It can be a difficult thing to begin doing after so many years of being used, but when we begin practicing showing up for ourselves, we begin the healing process.

If you have experienced abandonment trauma and would like to begin showing up for yourself, Texas Christian Counseling in Plano is a great place to start. Everyone needs support, and after years of people not valuing you, it could be healing to simply talk about your experiences with someone who is invested in your wellness. Contact us at Texas Christian Counseling for more information.