Causes and Signs of a Strained Relationship

When people get along swimmingly, they enjoy spending time with each other, and they expend effort to create opportunities to have more shared experiences. This is how trust is built over time, and that is how long-lasting bonds are formed. However, even the healthiest relationship can find itself under pressure, and the people in the relationship on less than friendly terms.

When a relationship is strained, it can affect how the relationship functions and how the people in it feel about each other. Relationship strain happens, but it’s possible to resolve the tensions in the relationship to restore it stronger than ever before.

What Strains Relationships?

What does it mean to say that a relationship is strained? When a relationship is described as “strained” it means that it’s a relationship in which relations aren’t normal, and that is plagued by one or more problems that have the result of denying the people in the relationship their needs. A strained relationship goes beyond the rough patches or difficult seasons that even the most healthy and loving partnerships experience every so often.

In a healthy relationship, conflict is resolved through clear communication that helps the relationship remain stable even as issues are dealt with. In strained relationships, by contrast, issues aren’t resolved well, and this leads to escalating conflict and increasing anger and isolation in the relationship. Whatever the issues are, whether it’s about money, sex, parenting, or goals, the relationship takes on strain when it begins to break down the bonds between the people in the relationship.

When a relationship is strained, the differences that exist between people become a wedge that separates them. Under normal circumstances, those differences would be appreciated and dealt with in ways that promote the health of the relationship and one another.

Some of the issues that can cause strain in a relationship include the following:

• Unmet expectations and needs If a person feels disappointed because a need or expectation hasn’t been met, over time that can cause strain in the relationship. It may be centered on getting help with the kids, having meaningful conversations, sex, or receiving support.
• Unresolved conflict  Conflict arises in every relationship, but healthy relationships can handle conflict well. If conflict goes unresolved, whether due to a communication breakdown or both parties refusing to compromise, it can introduce strain into the relationship.
• Broken trust  The bonds that exist between people can be undermined in various ways. In a marriage, it can be emotional, sexual, or financial infidelity. It can be sharing another person’s confidences. It can be lying to a loved one about something like going to treatment or looking for work when you’re not doing so. Broken trust strains a relationship.
• Third parties  The people in a relationship can love each other to bits, but interference from 3^rd parties can put strain on the relationship. That 3^rd party could be a friend, a sibling, the in-laws, or anyone who may be felt to have an undue and unhealthy influence on one’s loved one.
• A lack of appreciation When you love someone, you do things for them as an outworking of that love. Love acts. However, it can be challenging to act consistently when your efforts go unnoticed, or unappreciated. That lack of appreciation can lead to resentment, which strains a relationship.
• Different priorities Any two given people are likely to see the world differently, and to rank what’s important and needs attention in various ways. This need not be harmful to a relationship, but it can undermine it if left unaddressed. Say for example that guests are about to arrive for a visit. A couple can end up at loggerheads about what to focus on in getting the house ready for guests.
  Different priorities can also manifest in what people will work and save for, and what they spend money on. If one is trying to save while the other is spending, that too can cause issues.
• Money. Money can cause enormous strain in a relationship, whether it’s about making it, saving it, investing it, spending it, or giving it away. Because much of our lives are closely tied to money, it can become a flashpoint for many arguments.
• Issues with poor self-identity can lead to codependent behavior, for instance, or self-esteem issues can lead to being clingy. It can become exhausting trying to reassure the insecure partner of one’s commitment, and that can also cause strain in a relationship.
• Lack of commitment For a relationship to work, the people in it must be willing to work at it and make themselves available to one another. Being uncommitted as well as emotionally unavailable can cause enormous strain in the relationship because of the uncertainty it generates.
• Criticism We all have things we can do better at, and there’s nothing wrong with some constructive criticism. It can help build us up, and ought to be appreciated. There is a difference, however, between that, and criticism that nitpicks and doesn’t find encouraging or supportive things to say. The former builds up, while the latter breaks down and causes strain.
• Attitude How a person does things matters as much as what they do and why they do it. A negative or surly attitude can spoil a situation as surely as anything, and it can make relations uncomfortable.
• Different values and goals Differences don’t have to drive a wedge between people. However, if handled incorrectly, differences in religious, political, and social outlook and values can magnify conflict and strain a relationship.

When a relationship gets strained, the effects of that can spill over into other areas of life, such as other relationships and one’s work. This makes it important to address strain in a relationship sooner rather than later.

Strained Relationship Signs

Some of the signs of a strained relationship to look out for include the following:

• Discomfort at the thought of spending time together When you think about going home or being somewhere where the other person will be, you start to feel uncomfortable.
• Avoiding the person  The discomfort you feel about the other person can lead you to avoid them as much as possible.
• Not feeling as easygoing as before You can tell that things have changed, and a relationship has gotten strained from the fact that you don’t joke as easily, laugh as easily, or converse as easily as you used to. You may find yourself walking on eggshells around them, and unsure of how to be around them.
• Communication breakdown Relationship strain often results in struggling to communicate openly and honestly. This may look like avoiding difficult conversations or emotions, shutting down emotionally, or having unresolved conflict.
• Feeling a sense of distance between you  If you feel like there is a gulf between you, and the feeling of intimacy that existed between you feels absent, that might be a sign of a strained relationship.
• Having fewer expectations and making fewer demands Sometimes, when we grow apart from someone, we stop depending on them, and they stop depending on us. Where we may have sought their help in the past, we seek it elsewhere or do the job ourselves. If you find yourself reducing your legitimate expectations of someone because it feels uncomfortable to expect anything from them, that may point to a strained relationship.
• Trust issues If you feel like you can’t rely on the other person, or you find yourself not knowing if you can trust their intentions toward you, that may indicate a strained relationship.

Resolving Relationship Tensions

The tensions in a relationship can be resolved by taking intentional steps to resolve it. Some of the steps one can take include the following:

Find the root cause of the strain

This means addressing the root issue and any other issues that may have sprung up.