When Your Teenager is Giving You the Silent Treatment

Is your teenager giving you the silent treatment? The degree to which your child has stopped talking is really the most important factor in determining whether or not you should be concerned that they might be giving you the silent treatment.

Three Examples of the Silent Treatment in Teenagers

Let’s look at three possible scenarios:

#1 In the past, you and your daughter were considered “best friends.”

She once opened up to you about everything, but now all of a sudden, she is avoiding you and only confiding in her other friends about her innermost thoughts.

In this scenario, there is not a whole lot that you need to be concerned about. As difficult as it may be, you have to make an effort not to let her decision affect how you feel about yourself. She may simply be going through the natural and healthy process of separating from you and becoming an adult. Here are the steps you can take in this situation:

• Do not lecture her or express to her how her silence has hurt you.
• Try to have constructive exchanges with her.
• Engage her in activities that both of you have found to be enjoyable in the past.
• Take a seat at the table with her.

Don’t try to pry information out of her. Instead, be vulnerable and talk about something funny or interesting that happened to you in your own life. If you let your guard down, she may feel more comfortable doing the same.

Talk to her like an adult and with respect, and make it clear that you value her opinions and expect respect in return. Show that you value her opinions and expect respect in return.

#2 Your child, who used to be sweet and affectionate toward you, now gives you one-word answers and rolls his or her eyes when you talk to him or her.

He seems to save all of his enthusiasm for his other friends and does his best to minimize the amount of time he spends with you. Even though it may drive you crazy, and even though you may feel the urge to discipline this kind of behavior, you should be aware that it is still well within the range of normal adolescent development.

Kids learn how to become less dependent on their parents when they pay attention to the relationships they have with their peers, which is a necessary step on the path to becoming happy and independent adults. Having said that, it is still your responsibility to demand respect and to ensure the safety of your child.

How to proceed:

Establish reasonable boundaries, but make enhancing your relationship a primary focus as well. If he does not feel connected to you, you will not receive any respect from him.

Fight the temptation to give a lecture. If you are able to do that, he won’t feel the need to pull away from you in order to find his true identity.

Keep in mind that adolescents often experience strong feelings. Try to find the hurt that lies beneath the disrespect, and then gently remind him or her of who he or she truly is. You can start a conversation with someone by saying something like, “I know you’re upset but aren’t normally unkind.” This will set the stage for the exchange that will follow.

#3 Your daughter never interacts with anyone and stays cooped up in her room the entire day with the door shut.

She has stopped spending time with her friends, lost interest in the things that she used to enjoy doing, and is becoming more and more isolated as a result.

This kind of behavior is cause for grave concern and falls outside the realm of what can be considered the normal development of teenagers. You have a responsibility to determine whether or not your child has been the victim of any kind of trauma, such as bullying or rape, or whether or not he or she is abusing substances like alcohol or drugs.

This behavior may also be an early warning sign of a more serious mental health condition, such as depression, schizophrenia, or bipolar disorder, all of which are more prevalent in a person’s late teens and early twenties.

It is concerning that she is isolating herself from everyone that she knows at this time. It is not acceptable to replace talking to people in real life with other activities, such as escaping into the virtual world of the internet.

Relationships that begin over the internet can become very intense very quickly. It can be difficult to tell if the people whom your daughter knows online are a positive influence or even if they are who they say they are. What you should do is, if your child appears hostile and angry, you should give him or her the opportunity to explain if there is something that you have done wrong.

There are limits to how far privacy can go. A parent should not be prevented from entering his or her child’s bedroom under any circumstances. You have the right to know what your child is doing in his or her room, especially if he or she is spending hours at a time by himself or herself there. This is especially true if your child prefers to do his or her homework in his or her room.

Respectfully request that you be given additional details. Teenagers frequently respond to questions such as “Where are you going?” by merely stating “Out.” This response is not at all unusual. And the response to the question “When will you be back?” is “Later.” Maintain your composure and tell him or her that you need specifics.

If your child is uncooperative and continues to give you the silent treatment, it’s probably a good idea to keep an eye on his or her social media activity. Seek the assistance of a trained clinician who is a professional. To get started, give your child’s pediatrician a call and describe his or her behavior in as much detail as you can. If you are concerned that your adolescent may be having suicidal thoughts, there are resources available to you.

If you have the slightest suspicion that this might be the case, you need to address the problem as soon as possible. However, do this quietly. According to Dr. Nadine Kaslow, a psychologist and an expert on the topic of suicidal behavior in young people, “it is important that you talk about your concerns in a calm and non-accusatory manner.”

When parents are very worried, they sometimes end up saying things like, “Don’t think this way” or “You shouldn’t feel that way,” and they come across not as loving and caring as they intended, but rather as critical. That elicits a negative reaction from teenagers.

In addition, Kaslow suggests:

• When your child is struggling, it is important to reassure him or her over and over that you love them.
• It is important to validate his feelings by expressing empathy and saying things like, “It sounds like that was really difficult” or “I am aware of how agonizing that can be.”
• Encourage your child to seek the assistance of a professional and make it clear to him or her that doing so is not a sign of weakness.

Always keep in mind that the silent treatment is not a reflection of you personally. You need to choose your battles wisely and allow room for your child to develop. However, you are responsible for your child’s health and well-being above all else, and this requires you to maintain communication with her even when she does not make it simple or enjoyable.

A Christian counselor can help you get unstuck from the silent treatment with your teenager. You can both learn to communicate better with a counselor’s guidance and wisdom. Reach out to us today to set up an initial appointment.