After the Affair: Can Trust Be Restored?

Infidelity is not an easy thing to heal from. Finding out that that your spouse has cheated on you can be devastating. It’s like receiving a sucker punch to your gut that leaves you reeling in shock and disbelief. Overcoming a breach of trust is one of the most difficult issues for a relationship to survive, but God is a healer of broken hearts, and with His help, it is possible to rebuild trust even after the affair.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning but anyone can start today and make a new ending. – Maria Robinson

What not to do after the affair

The initial shock of discovering that a partner has been unfaithful and the flooding emotions are normal. Reactions sparked by this may seem reasonable and justifiable at the moment but will hinder healing and likely lead to regrets later on.

Avoid telling everyone about it. Before you impulsively tell everyone what your spouse has done, allow yourself and your partner time to discuss and determine how you want to proceed going forward, what you are going to share, and with whom.

Avoid blasting your cheating spouse on social media. Once you put something out on social media it lives forever even if you later decide to delete it.

Avoid making life-altering decisions. Acting impulsively while your thinking is clouded, such as filing for divorce or retaliating by having an affair of your own, can make any possibility of healing your relationship more difficult. Take time to think things through before doing anything rash.

Avoid obsessing over the person your partner had an affair with. Hyper fixating on the other person, stalking him or her on social media, or allowing obsessive thoughts of him or her to consume your mind can only make things worse.

Avoid blaming yourself. Your spouse is 100 percent responsible for breaking your marriage vows. No matter your imperfections or the mistakes you may have made, they are not an excuse for his or her betrayal of you.

How to move forward after the affair

Unearth the problem. Before you can start rebuilding your relationship, you and your partner need to root out the deeper issues that may have led to the affair. This does not condone the betrayal, but it enables you to begin working on fixing the things that weren’t working and rebuild the relationship in a way that makes it stronger, more resilient, and better than it was before.

Stick to general questions. It’s okay to ask general questions about the affair but refrain from getting into vivid details. That will only serve to plant negative images in your mind.

Avoid rehashing details. Constantly rehashing details will keep you stuck and unable to let go and move forward.

Seek professional help. According to marriage and family therapist, Rose Richardson, the most overwhelming cause of infidelity is lack of emotional connection. A trained couples counselor can help you and your partner work through your feelings in a healthy, productive way, address underlying issues, improve communication skills and dysfunctional interactions, and identify ways to increase emotional and sexual intimacy.

Be willing to accept your partner’s efforts. Be willing to acknowledge your spouse’s efforts and give him or her the benefit of the doubt.

If you are the unfaithful spouse

Be honest and come clean. Take full responsibility for your actions and assure your spouse of your intention to be fully monogamous and accountable. Be totally open and honest with them, and answer questions without withholding information. Share, even if it feels uncomfortable or hurts, and continue to be open and transparent.

Show genuine repentance. Just saying you’re sorry is not enough. A genuine apology acknowledges that no matter what the reason for the affair was, betraying your partner’s trust was sin. They need to know that you understand the magnitude of what you have done and that you will follow through on promised change.

Sever all contact with your lover. Let the person you had the affair with know that the affair is over, and cut off all contact with that person.

Offer reassurance. Trust has to be earned. Be transparent with your partner, and willing to share all your accounts with them. Demonstrate your credibility and trustworthiness by allowing them to monitor your private information such as e-mails, texts, phone records, and bank and credit card accounts, as well as know your whereabouts at all times when you’re not together so they can see that you mean what you say.

If you have questions or would like to set up an appointment to meet with one of the faith-based counselors in our online directory, please don’t hesitate to give us a call. We are here to help.