How to Navigate the Complex Waters of Divorce and Children

Choosing to share the rest of your life with a person has a profound impact on the rest of your life. When a person gets married, they don’t know exactly what will come their way because life can be unpredictable. Ending a marriage is a big decision, and it can be one of the most painful decisions a person makes in their life. This pain is magnified when divorce and children mix.

Dealing With Divorce as an Adult

Getting divorced is complicated on several levels. This includes the social, legal, and moral dimensions and implications of the decision. When a person gets divorced, there is a lot they work through to get to that point, but beyond divorce lies other questions, feelings, and thoughts that need to be unpacked.

Dealing with a divorce in a healthy way requires several things.

Take time to heal

Marriage joins two people, two lives, together into one. When a man and woman are joined together in marriage, the two become “one flesh”, and they share life. (Genesis 2:24-25, Matthew 19: 4-6) God’s intention is for people to persist in this state of unity. If that unity is broken through a divorce, it is like tearing off a piece of yourself.

Your marriage may have been a difficult one, and divorce opened up new vistas, but you should still take the time to heal. Getting a divorce brings an important part of your life to an end. With that is dealing with the absence and loss of a person to whom you had significant emotional and physical ties.

Sometimes, what needs to be mourned is the loss of a dream and of the potential your relationship had. That includes the potential that a bad marriage had to be something better and life-giving. Grieving your marriage is an appropriate response, and that grief takes time.

Self-care matters

Taking care of yourself is important for your overall well-being, and that includes keeping up with your grooming, exercising, eating well, getting good sleep, and staying connected with friends and other loved ones.

Divorce depression is real, and transitioning into the unknown can be scary, especially when it’s attached to a change as large as getting divorced. The process of getting divorced can be quite stressful, so taking care of your health is important.

When going through divorce men often suffer from a decrease in autonomy and competence, while many women may suffer more from low self-esteem. Self-care also means avoiding behaviors and thoughts that will undo your well-being. That includes consuming a lot of alcohol, using substances such as drugs, and participating in risky behaviors like unprotected sex with strangers.

Have community around you

It is better to go through a tough time when you have a strong network of support around you. These people may be friends, neighbors, family, fellow church members, and a professional such as a counselor. Talking through your thoughts helps you to process them, and your network can help encourage you, keep you accountable, and otherwise help you when you need it.

This network can also help with practical needs like babysitting, teaching you new skills like cooking or plumbing, and picking kids up. Having people around you wholove you and can step in the gap to help you out makes a big difference. The people in your community can speak wisdom, truth, and love to help you weather the storm of divorce.

Walking With Your Children Through Your Divorce

On its own, getting divorced is an emotionally complicated experience, regardless of whether the divorce was your decision or not. These complications are magnified when you include children in the picture. As their parent, you have an ongoing responsibility to help them work through their emotions and thoughts about what is happening, even as you’re trying to process your own. Some of the ways of helping them include the following:

Remind them of your love and commitment to them

Parents are like the north star in their children’s lives. They help bring order and stability to their children. Divorce introduces changes into your children’s lives such as where they’ll stay, the amount of time they spend with each parent, and even who their friends are. It can be a disorienting time even for adults, let alone for younger children.

As you tell your children about the changes that are coming into your collective lives, they must know what doesn’t change in the equation, and that’s your love for them. It is also important that they know that the decision isn’t in any way because of them. This is a topic that you and your ex or soon-to-be ex may want to tackle together as a united front.

Be age-appropriate

As you share with your kids what’s going on, being age-appropriate will help you not overwhelm your children. Younger children may only need to know that mom and dad aren’t going to be living together anymore, and they’ll live with one parent and visit the other.

Older children such as teens or older will likely have witnessed the discord in your relationship. You can be more open with them, but be cautious. A counselor can help you determine what to say to your kids.

Telling your kids that you’re getting divorced is difficult enough for them. Whatever their age, the moment mustn’t be about apportioning blame. Your kids don’t need to be involved in the deeper reasons why you’re getting divorced. They need to understand how it impacts them.

Create consistency where possible

Create as much consistency as possible for your children as you transition from being a married couple to being divorced. You can try to arrange it so that they still see both of you and still get to do things like take walks or play football in the park on the weekends. No doubt there will be obvious changes, but your children, especially the younger ones, will appreciate having some stability and consistency.

Help them honor their parents

Divorce can become an arena for an emotional and physical tug-of-war over the children and their affections. Unfortunately, parents can use their children as proxies in their war against each other, which is detrimental to the children themselves.

Your children are not a source of intel on what your ex is doing or whom they’re dating now. Similarly, picking the kids up outside of agreed-upon hours or dropping them off late dishonors your ex and their time with them. Some parents also put their children in the difficult position of acting as messengers between their parents, and that can affect a child’s well-being as they have to negotiate and manage their parents’ issues.

You shouldn’t be a source of slander toward your ex. Part of good co-parenting is helping your children continue to honor their parents by handling your issues with your ex on your own without the children’s involvement.

Give them room to process

Just as divorce is a lot to process and takes time for the adults involved, it will take time for your kids to work through their own emotions about what has happened and the new way of life. They may feel disappointed, hurt, angry, sad, and a whole host of other feelings. Let them know that it’s okay to have big feelings about things and create space for them to ask questions and express themselves.

Some children struggle with their parents getting divorced, and it plays out as anger outbursts, declining grades, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self-harm, substance abuse, or other risky behaviors. If you notice changes in your child’s behavior, consider that they may need professional care and take them to a doctor.

Finding Help as You Work Through Divorce

Divorce is a complicated emotional experience for both the adults and the children affected by it. However, you and your family can flourish even amid and in the aftermath of a divorce.

You don’t have to work through the complex and painful emotions that come up because of divorce on your own. Seek the help you need when you need it.

Christian individual and family therapy can help you and your children as you unpack the swirl of thoughts and emotions that divorce implies. A counselor can journey with you as you process your divorce and find your new normal for your family.