When ADHD Interferes With Your Relationships

Relationships are important. They are part of God’s plan. He made us social creatures. In Genesis, we find that God didn’t want Adam to be alone, so He created Eve. The Bible is full of stories of how God has provided people to do his work and to love His followers. So, when you long for relationships, it’s not unusual – it’s part of God’s plan.

But if you have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (also known as ADHD), you may be struggling in your relationships. It’s one thing to desire deep, meaningful, and mutually beneficial relationships, and it’s a whole other thing to make and preserve them.

ADHD Relationship Obstacles

If you have ADHD, you’re probably already familiar with some of the obstacles that this disorder presents when it comes to interpersonal relationships. You’re probably acutely aware of the fact that you interrupt people when they’re talking or that you have a hard time focusing on a conversation.

You probably cringe when you think about the time that you were pacing the floor acting disinterested in a conversation. But your mind and your body often follow the directions of ADHD rather than social norms.

A romantic relationship adds a whole other layer of confusion and misunderstanding. You might be in a fully committed, loving relationship, ready to make a life together, but if your partner doesn’t understand your ADHD, you might not be perceiving the relationship in the same way.

When you forget something they just said or lose track of the task that you promised to handle, it can feel to them like you’re careless or indifferent or even worse, that you simply don’t prioritize them or their needs.

If they don’t understand that your brain works just a little differently, they may interpret your actions as lazy, inconsiderate, or even hurtful. And of course, that hurts you too because you want to be consistent and caring and you want to love them well, but you struggle to control those ADHD symptoms.

One of the most difficult parts of dealing with ADHD in a relationship is the misunderstandings that almost always erupt. If your friend or spouse isn’t familiar with how ADHD works and the way it plays out in daily life, they are probably confused by a lot of what you do.

They may be asking questions about why you space out during the most serious conversations or wondering why you forget their birthday. And maybe they wonder why you just can’t sit still and focus when you need to. They might take these behaviors of yours personally and might assume that you don’t care about them. But the truth is, you do care so much that it hurts, but you just can’t always show it in the ways that they expect.

Over time, resentment can build up on both sides of the ADHD fence. They’re frustrated and so are you. You’re trying, genuinely trying, and they don’t see it. They’re asking for things that feel simple to them but feel like mountainous obstacles to you. Even when your heart is in the right place and you’re fully invested, sometimes your brain can still work against you.

Communication

Aside from the supernatural intervention of your loving Heavenly Father, open communication is probably the single most important aspect of any relationship. ADHD can be difficult to talk about. If you have it, you might be embarrassed by its control over you or feel overwhelmed by its tight grip.

If you’re someone on the other side of the relationship, it can be just as confusing to try to contextualize and interpret your partner’s actions (or lack thereof). But communication, not surface-level talking, but the kind of conversation that is honest, sometimes awkward, and vulnerable can help to crack through the confusion of symptoms.

Telling your partner that you’re confused by their action or admitting that you’re struggling with a task can make a big difference in how they accept your actions and reactions. Open conversation and honest interaction tell your partner that you’re sorry you forgot their important day and remind them that they are a priority, even when it doesn’t look like it.

Understanding Triggers (and Responses)

One of the lesser-known ADHD-related struggles is just how quickly emotions can spiral out of control. If you have ADHD you may find that you have heightened emotional sensitivity. Many people with ADHD do. A small comment or a missed cue can trigger an outsized, disproportionate emotional reaction.

You may recall a time or two (or three or a hundred) that you have been accused of overreacting to something. In the moment, you probably didn’t view your action as anything but normal, but those around you might have considered your action to be disproportionate to the situation. In these moments, just realize that your brain may process emotional input more intensely than others.

This kind of emotional dysregulation can often mask itself as defensiveness, anger, and withdrawal from the outside world. A simple “Are you listening?” from your partner might instantly make you feel attacked or criticized, even if it was meant benignly.

Your first impulse may be to defend yourself, but it’s better to take a step back, breathe, and realize that your partner doesn’t see what is going on in your head, only your outward actions and reactions. Learn to recognize those moments when your emotions have been triggered and then take a step back before impulsively reacting.

Building a Relationship Routine

People with ADHD often thrive on structure, yet maintaining routines in relationships can be difficult when executive dysfunction and forgetfulness get in the way. One way to help those in your life know that you care is to create consistent rituals, simple actions you can return to, even if ADHD symptoms flare up and try to interfere.

Set a recurring reminder to send a thoughtful text each day or to schedule a coffee date. With this strategy, you can also plan regular check-ins with a partner to talk about the relationship and the ADHD that may stand between you.

Therapy

If ADHD is interfering with your social life, consider reaching out to a skilled therapist for support. Therapy changes things. It can give you a place to lay down the guilt, frustration, and overwhelming emotions.

A therapist can help you identify patterns in your behavior and your thinking process (identify those triggers!) and give you tools to work with your ADHD. Therapy can also give you the vocabulary and clarity you need to have the necessary and sometimes difficult conversations with the people in your life.

Seeking God

While all these tools can help manage ADHD symptoms that make relationships a struggle, nothing can replace the grace of God. God made you, beautifully, purposefully, and lovingly. He knows how your brain works better than you, those in your social circle, and even a therapist. And the fantastic news is that He wants to help you. He wants you to live an abundant life and to thrive where you’ve been planted. All you have to do is seek Him and His word.

There’s hope!

If you’re reading this and recognizing your own struggles in these paragraphs, take heart and realize that though ADHD may shape the way you interact with others, it doesn’t define your capacity to love well or to be deeply loved in return. Every person, every couple, has obstacles and trials, but at least your struggles have a name, ADHD.

God has not left you to figure out this challenge alone. He has provided His word, community, counsel, and the promise of His presence. The psalmist reminds us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). That brokenhearted one might be you right now.

If you’re discouraged about the relationships in your life (or the lack of them), realize that God sees you. Your Heavenly Father looks beyond the actions and reactions you display and sees right into your heart. There is hope for managing your ADHD and for building strong human connections that honor who you are and who God made you to be.