10 Signs of a Toxic Relationship

In any relationship, things aren’t always going to be rosy. A few bumps in the road are par for the course because human beings are going to do what humans do. Even in the healthiest of relationships, some struggles and disagreements are to be expected.

But these struggles don’t govern, or determine the course of healthy relationships; instead, the people in those relationships can navigate challenges in ways that preserve their dignity and allow the relationship to emerge stronger and with a deeper commitment.

Just as there are healthy relationships, there are also relationships that can be labeled “toxic.” What precisely does “toxic” mean? It may be surprising, but toxic relationships aren’t always obviously toxic to the people in them. You may be in a toxic relationship and not know it. Or you might be the toxic partner in your relationship and you’re oblivious to it and how your behaviors are affecting your partner. That makes it even more important to know the signs of a toxic relationship and take steps to address things.

A toxic relationship is characterized by behaviors that are emotionally and often physically damaging. One can expect that a healthy relationship will contribute to your sense of well-being, high self-esteem, and emotional energy, while a toxic relationship is damaging to one’s self-esteem and drains your energy. In a toxic relationship, one or both partners aren’t flourishing or thriving.

Because relationships come in all shapes and sizes (some are romantic, others are platonic or familial) the following signs of a toxic relationship will differ and present in various ways. If you detect any of the following signs, take them as a cue that you should put some serious work into that relationship.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

‘Here we go again.’ It’s the hallmark of healthy relationships that disagreements get resolved, and if they reappear there’s likely a new dimension to them. In some toxic relationships, there’s a tendency to have disagreements over the same thing again and again.

A lack of resolution can seriously undermine the health of your relationship. You need to grow and resolve conflicts meaningfully, and one sign that all is not well in your relationship is that you stumble over the same issue again and again.

Respect isn’t mutual. For two people to be in a relationship, respect must flow from one to the other. Whether it’s a parent-child relationship, or a relationship between siblings, spouses, and so on, there needs to be respect shown. Without respect, a relationship has little hope of survival. This lack of respect can either be present in that either you both don’t respect each other, or the respect isn’t reciprocated by one of you.

A lack of respect can center around how you’re spoken to or how you are spoken about, or whether your needs and boundaries are considered. One example of a lack of respect in a relationship is when one partner tends to embarrass their counterpart in public. It might be that when you’re with your friends or theirs, they feel no hesitation in voicing their opinion of you or putting you down.

In many cases, this opinion that they choose to express is derogatory, disrespectful, hurtful, and humiliating. No one wants to be treated in this way. The loss of mutual respect is serious enough that it can quickly undermine or even destroy a marriage. More often, it leads to a painful, stressful, and unhappy life for a couple.

Mutual respect may not be sufficient to maintain a marriage, because spouses or partners can treat each other respectfully even while they are struggling with major issues, but that respect is necessary for a relationship to thrive. Where there is no respect shown in a relationship – whether by one or both of you – that is one sure sign of a toxic relationship.

You’re codependent. In a healthy relationship, the people in it rely on one another for support and affection. We are all dependent on each other in one way or another, and that’s okay. However, there’s a wide gulf between being mutually dependent upon one another and being codependent.

Codependency flows from a variety of circumstances, but the effect of it in a relationship is that it generates a severe imbalance. In a codependent relationship, one party usually sacrifices their needs to ensure that the other person’s needs are met. The other person, called the enabler, is willing to accept those sacrifices without reciprocating, and that makes for a one-sided relationship.

Codependency occurs in romantic relationships as well as between parents and their children. One person will sacrifice their time, money, ambitions, mental and emotional health to ensure that the other person is fulfilled. A codependent relationship is marked by controlling behaviors amongst other things. Codependency is one of the hallmark signs of a toxic relationship.

Arguments or conflicts turn violent. Anger can make us do things we regret or that are uncharacteristic of us. Whether in an argument or not, if a pattern of behavior emerges in which physical or verbal violence makes their presence seen or felt, that is problematic. If you or your partner don’t feel safe in the relationship, that’s one of the signs of a toxic relationship.

Withholding. Relationships are meant to be spaces of mutually giving of ourselves to the other. We give of ourselves in various ways in different types of relationships. Deliberate withholding of financial support, affection, time, and other gifts we make to others can be a sign of a toxic relationship, especially when it is coupled with manipulating the other person – “do this, and then I’ll love you,” or “do this and you’ll get what you need.”

When our gifts and our obligations are used to make people do what we want, and when we deliberately withhold them to get our way, that’s a sign of a toxic relationship. There are a few exceptions to this – such as when a parent is trying to discipline a child by withholding their Xbox or PlayStation for them to have time to reflect on poor behavior – but broadly speaking, withholding things without cause is one sign of a toxic relationship.

Feeling drained or unhappy after spending time together. If you’re in a meaningful relationship with someone, you want to spend time with them. The last thing you want to do is feel like the relationship is a chore, and to find that it jeopardizes your emotional and mental health. If a relationship leaves you feeling drained or unhappy after interactions with the other person, that’s a good sign that things are not what they are supposed to be.

Communication is like war. Whispering sweet nothings to your beloved, or having a chuckle with a close friend, or digging deep in a warm heart-to-heart conversation with your parent – this is what we’d like our relationships to be, and this is what most healthy relationships are like.

However, toxic relationships are marred by communication that is often a struggle. Toxic relationships will have their communication dominated by interactions that contain constant criticism, sarcasm, or a need to walk on eggshells because you don’t know when explosive anger might be directed your way. When communication in a relationship is like war, that’s another sign that the relationship might be toxic.

You don’t feel supported. When the world is standing against you, one thing you should be able to count on is that the people you’re closest to will have your back. Of course, when they need to call us out, they should and they will, but even that is another way of them being there for us and having our back.

In a toxic relationship, the lack of support is palpable, and the relationship may be characterized by envy and jealousy. Instead of being cheered on when you get a promotion at work, or you meet a weight loss or fitness goal, you meet derision and ridicule. That’s a toxic relationship.

Controlling behaviors. In codependent and other relationships, controlling behavior signals a toxic relationship. If you or your partner always want to know who the other has been with, you desire access to their phone, social media, and email accounts, access to the GPS information in the car, and all their login data for the bank and so on, where they work, with whom they associate – that may be a sign of problems in that relationship.

Of course, there are circumstances when such information and transparency are required, and those boundaries are suspended; for instance, where there’s been infidelity and one’s right to privacy has been abused to carry out an affair. However, in many cases, the exercise of autonomy and privacy are healthy boundaries that ought to be respected, and that lack of respect through controlling behaviors may signal a toxic relationship.

Your other relationships have suffered. Our relationships ought to have room for other people to be part of our lives. If you find that your other relationships have suffered or been lost due to one particular relationship, it should raise some red flags.

If you find you’ve lost friends, or you’ve moved away from them and from family, if you’re being isolated away from your loved ones, or if you find that even your hobbies have become off-limits at the suggestion, instigation, or insistence of your partner, that may be a sign of a toxic relationship.