Emotional Neglect in Relationships: Why It Happens and How to Remedy It

The people you are close to play an important role in your life. One of the key predictors of well-being is whether we’re in healthy relationships with others, whether it’s with a spouse, friends, siblings, colleagues, or neighbors. Some relationships will have a deeper and more lasting impact compared to others, but the point is that as relational and social creatures, the health of our relationships is immensely important.

If the health of our relationships matters for our well-being, it pays to know why those relationships can go wrong, and how to remedy it. One of the key areas where a relationship can be unhealthy is when emotional neglect is taking place.

Emotional Neglect in Relationships

Emotional neglect is an unfortunate reality in many relationships. Whether it’s between parents and their children, siblings, or in a romantic relationship, it’s possible for loved ones to experience emotional neglect. Emotional neglect can be understood as a type of abuse. When a person is neglected emotionally, their emotional needs are consistently ignored, dismissed, or disregarded.

What adds to the pain of emotional neglect is that the ones who are disregarding or dismissing another’s emotional needs are the same people who carry the responsibility to meet those needs. Partners, caregivers, or parents are responsible to others to meet their needs, and it’s part of what makes the relationship a healthy one.

Emotional neglect can take various forms, including minimizing or trivializing the other person’s experiences; being unavailable and unresponsive when called upon; showing little to no interest in the others’ feelings, thoughts, or experiences; not providing reassurance or comfort; ignoring or dismissing the other’s emotions; withholding validation and support; and not acknowledging or apologizing for hurtful or harmful behavior.

When emotional neglect is present in a relationship, it can have a detrimental effect on the relationship, as well as on a person’s well-being and self-esteem.

Why Emotional Neglect Occurs

It’s important to identify emotional neglect when it shows up so that you can begin working at remedying it. An important part of figuring out how to respond to emotional neglect is to try and understand why it’s happening in the first place. The book of Proverbs says, “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel” (Proverbs 15:18, NIV). Knowing why helps you approach the situation with caution and wisdom.

Emotional neglect can occur for many reasons, not all of which are malicious or even intentional. Most people aren’t intentionally neglectful of their loved one’s emotional well-being, and they can correct their behavior if they are shown what they’re doing and how it’s affecting their counterpart. There are several reasons why emotional neglect occurs in a relationship, and these reasons include the following:

A fear of emotional intimacy

If a person has experienced abandonment in the past, they may feel uncomfortable with emotional closeness or vulnerability, leading to the emotional neglect of a partner.

A lack of emotional intelligence

If a person doesn’t understand or recognize the emotional needs of their loved one or know how best to meet them, that could lead to emotional neglect. If a person lacks empathy, for instance, they may struggle to put themselves in their loved ones’ shoes to understand their feelings and how best to respond to them.

A person who’s unaware of their own emotional habits and needs might also unintentionally neglect their loved one’s emotional well-being.

Prioritizing other needs

A person might inadvertently neglect the emotional needs of others because their focus is on other aspects of the relationship, such as financial security or practical support, over providing emotional support.

Unresolved issues

If a person has personal issues such as unaddressed trauma, stress, conflict avoidance, or emotional baggage, it can lead to them being emotionally unavailable in the short or long term. A person might avoid dealing with their loved one’s emotions to sidestep conflict or uncomfortable conversations.

Experiencing stress and burnout

If a person is already feeling overwhelmed with their own life stresses and demands, they may not have the emotional capacity or bandwidth to support their loved one in the way they would like.

Modeling past influences

Without being malicious about it, a person may neglect their loved ones because they are simply replicating the behaviors they witnessed and how they were treated in their past relationships or upbringing.

Control

Some people might use emotional neglect and withholding affection as a means to control or manipulate their loved one.

From the above, it should be clear that emotional neglect can be the result of various factors, including a lack of awareness, skills, or necessary support. It’s also true that emotional neglect could also be intentional. When trying to address these underlying issues, it’s important to remember the possible reasons behind them, as they can temper your approach so that you can be as emotionally supportive and nurturing in your relationship as possible.

Signs of Emotional Neglect

Emotional neglect can manifest in subtle or overt ways, and it will likely vary depending on the individual and their circumstances. Some common signs of emotional neglect include feeling unheard, unseen, dismissed, or invalidated; feeling a sense of emotional disconnection from your partner; feeling isolated or alone; feeling like you’re walking on eggshells around others; and a lack of intimacy in relationships.

Emotional neglect can also be present if a specific relationship makes you feel unlovable or not good enough, and if you or your loved one are having difficulty expressing or identifying your own or each other’s emotions. If there’s a lack of active listening or empathy, if you feel like you’re not a priority, or if your partner or family member is consistently unavailable or unresponsive, that could point to neglect.

People don’t have the same needs or tolerance levels, and everyone will experience emotional neglect differently. If you can identify with several of these signs, you should consider seeking support from someone you trust, or from a mental health professional such as a counselor or therapist.

How It Affects You

When a person experiences emotional neglect, it can affect them in so many ways. When your needs aren’t met, you can respond to that by trying to meet your needs elsewhere, and some of the places you can turn to may not be healthy for you or your relationship.

If your needs cannot be met, that too can affect you. Emotional neglect can affect your self-esteem, generating self-doubt, low self-worth, and a running dialogue of negative self-talk. Neglect can increase your risk of mental health challenges such as anxiety and depression.

The stress emotional neglect produces can weaken your immune system, making you more susceptible to issues like diabetes, hypertension, and cardiovascular disease. You can also end up struggling with regulating your emotions.

Emotional neglect can disrupt your relationships by making it harder to form and maintain healthy relationships with others. It can result in attachment problems as well as intimacy issues. Without adequate emotional support, your capacity to cope with stress and adversity is reduced, and you may have trouble setting goals, making decisions, and feeling purposeful, and fulfilled.

Your growth as a person, your ability to trust others and yourself, and your overall well-being can all be affected by experiencing emotional neglect. Its effects may be subtle, but they are no less real for it.

Getting Help

If you experience emotional neglect, it can affect you, and in turn, it can affect the health of your relationship. Relationships are meant to be places where support, understanding, and nurture can be found because two are better than one – we aren’t meant to be isolated and alone, without support and succor (Ecclesiastes 4:7-12).
Emotional neglect can be addressed in several ways. You need to discern and accept the emotional neglect for what it is, recognizing the ways it may have affected you. With self-reflection, you can identify what you feel, growing in your ability to understand, label, as well as communicate your feelings and experiences.

Once you identify your experiences and emotions, you can go beyond that and practice self-care. Get active or do the things that help you replenish your mental, emotional, and physical reserves. It can be exercise, doing something artistic or creative, or spending time with loved ones. You can also set clear boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.

You can also protect yourself by challenging any negative self-talk that results from your experience. Be compassionate toward yourself and learn to identify and neutralize your inner critic. Remind yourself who you are in Christ, in whom your life is hidden (Colossians 3:1-4). Use these truths to help you build your emotional resilience.

Though it may be hard, it’s also important for you to forgive and let go of the way your loved one hasn’t met your needs. That doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be accountable. Rather, it means allowing yourself to release the hold past hurts and resentments have on your own heart.

Lastly, seek support. You can reach out to a mental health professional. They can guide you toward deep and lasting sources of emotional validation, and your counselor can help you work through any deep-seated issues of emotional neglect that could be affecting you. With your counselor’s patience and gentle support, you can find healing. Reach out and speak to someone today.