Codependency

Picture the scene: two fish swimming in a lake. The one fish turns to the other and asks, “Hey, what’s water?” From the perspective of everyone who’s not those fish, it’s obvious what water is. However, it’s possible to be so immersed in your perspective, experiences, or surroundings that you struggle even to question or notice the things that could seem obvious to others. Our relationships are one area where we might miss the obvious. When you’re accustomed to your relationships operating in a certain way, you may become blind to the ways they are unhealthy. Just like the fish in water that doesn’t even know that it’s in water, you might be in an unhealthy and codependent relationship without being fully aware of the fact. Knowing the signs of codependency can help you identify these patterns and address them. Codependency – What is it? You may have heard the term "codependent" before, and perhaps you puzzled over its meaning. It’s been said that “no person is an island”, and we all depend on each other to one degree. Surely, depending on others, and being aware of that dependence, isn’t a bad thing? True, mutual dependence is a fact of life, and a beautiful one at that. We need community, and our communities need us. We are more fully human when we’re in relationship with others. However, there is a world of difference between mutual dependence, which is the fabric of our society, and codependence. Mutual dependence involves people who are bringing what they have to share with others to meet the needs of others that they can’t fulfil themselves, whether due to capacity or something else. A mechanic and a butcher can depend on each other for things they may not have the time, capacity, or skill to do [...]

Codependency can be influenced by various factors, including but not limited to low self-esteem, family dynamics, and insecure attachment styles. For example, survivors of traumas may internalize the belief that they are responsible for the happiness and well-being of others, leading to codependent tendencies. What is codependency? Codependency can be defined as an excessive reliance emotionally or psychologically on a person or thing that supports a belief in one’s identity. Part of being codependent is allowing your identity to rely on the validation of others. We all have a natural longing to belong or be accepted. No one wants to feel like they don’t belong or feel rejected. Codependency is often rooted in a childhood experience that has created an idea of who you are. For example, “I am worthy if I make this person smile or happy.” Then you develop ways that you have found work to make others happy or smile; for example, jokes, acting silly, getting good grades, not being late, working hard, and being the peacemaker. As we continue life using these ways to manage the uncomfortable feeling of rejection instead of understanding why we have this excessive need to please others, we can become overwhelmed and exhausted. It would seem to be a natural way to find a way to manage an uncomfortable feeling and make the encounter more comfortable. Perhaps you can think of a time when a parent, friend, or spouse became angry or sad and you sensed either their sadness or anger. Plano Christian Counseling can help you better understand emotional responses—your own and others’—and provide faith-based tools for healthy emotional regulation and relationship support. How does codependency work? Some may think they best manage the uncomfortable situation by avoiding the person. Or they may realize the situation becomes more manageable [...]