Self-Forgiveness: Learning How to Forgive Yourself and Why It’s Important

Ever find it hard to forgive yourself? Or asked how to forgive yourself? You are not alone. Forgiveness itself can be a difficult task. Even the band Chicago devoted a whole song about it Hard To Say I’m Sorry. Self-forgiveness can seem impossible and hopeless but when achieved it produces healing and freedom. The inability to forgive yourself can cause some significant issues.

Shame

Shame is the reason why forgiving yourself can seem impossible. Behind shame is a negative core belief of “I am bad.” A negative core belief is something that we believe to be true but is not. Walking around with this belief can lead to feelings of insecurity and behaviors that go along with it.

It can be difficult to recognize when shame is tainting your view, but damaging, nonetheless. Shame says “You don’t deserve forgiveness.” or “You are not worthy of forgiveness.” These thoughts from shame can cause you to feel stuck.

Imagine shame as a dark prison cell – dark because shame festers and grows in darkness. Darkness allows for secrecy so others will not learn the lie that shame has told you (“You are bad.”) Shame festers in this darkness by convincing you “Oh if he/she only knew…” which causes you to feel isolated. The prison cell bars are the lies shame tells you that keep you locked in. Walking aimlessly, desperately searching for a way out of pitch-black darkness.

So how can you overcome shame and free yourself from the dark prison cell? First, we need some light. Humbly ask the Light of the World, Jesus, into your cell (1 John 1:5). Don’t feel hesitant, because the truth is He already knows. Ask Him for His light to overcome the darkness of shame. Ask Him to forgive you.

Next, have you ever felt ashamed of something but after telling a close friend or confidant you felt significantly lighter? That’s because shame was not only locking you up but also weighing you down. So, find a close friend or family member and let them know that you have been struggling with shame over whatever the situation may be.

If this is still proving to be difficult, ask yourself if [insert name of a best friend or loved family member] came to me about this issue, what would I tell them or how would I respond? Likely, you would be compassionate and understanding. Right? Then is it possible that they may respond the same way? Have a conversation.

Negative Self-Talk

Self-talk is exactly what it sounds like – things you say to yourself about yourself. It can be difficult to tune into our self-talk but enlightening once we can do so. When we operate with shame or unforgiveness toward ourselves it is likely to negatively affect our self-talk.

Sometimes, we can be our own bullies. Next time something bad happens, tune into your thoughts. What do you notice? Maybe write them down and if there are any bully remarks challenge them. Are these bully remarks things you would say to your best friend? Likely not.

Ask yourself what you would rather hear at this moment. Challenging negative self-talk can be like building muscle. The more you do it the easier it becomes just like the more you lift weights or exert muscle the easier it gets.

So let’s recap, so far we have identified shame and its lies. Next, we asked Jesus for forgiveness and His light. Then we confided in a close friend or family member. We tuned into our self-talk and began challenging any bullying thoughts. But how can you forgive yourself?

A couple of things may stand in the way learning how to forgive yourself

Perhaps it is perfectionism. Perfectionism can exist on a spectrum and can present in various ways. Usually with perfectionism, there are unrealistic expectations or standards that we put on ourselves. The key word here is unrealistic. It can be beneficial to have high expectations or standards but the key to spotting perfectionism is looking at how you respond when these are not met.

When these expectations are not met, do you beat yourself up? Do you begin self-criticizing? Do you engage in negative self-talk? Do you externalize and take it out on others? Perhaps becoming angry or blaming others?

Perhaps it is pride. I once heard a pastor discuss forgiving yourself and it helped shift my perspective. If you have asked the Creator of the heavens and earth to forgive you and He no longer remembers your sins – separating them from you “as far as the east is from the west” (Psalm 103:12), then why can you not forgive yourself?

Do you believe yourself to be greater than the Almighty? Or is your judgment greater than what the Almighty says in His Word?

Achieving self-forgiveness can bring many benefits

Become your own team

When you can forgive yourself you can learn from your mistakes and achieve growth. Whereas before self-forgiveness, you were ashamed and did not accept yourself (or at least your full self). Accepting our faults and giving ourselves grace allows for growth potential. It allows for a shift in focus from the thing we are ashamed of to self-improvement.

Think of a team sport such as baseball. Each player has their specific role on the field based on their skill set and strengths. To achieve a win all players must do their part. However, imagine that the pitcher is having a difficult game. Likely, the pitcher will be replaced for the remainder of the game. Now, how the pitcher responds will likely determine how he performs in future games.

If the pitcher operates in shame or does not forgive himself for having an off game, this can elicit negative self-talk and negative self-beliefs which will likely hurt his performance at the next game. If you have played sports I’m sure you are well aware that there is a huge psychological element to it. If you become self-critical and get down on yourself it will likely cause you to perform the way you think of yourself.

If the same pitcher with the same bad game looks at the game as just an off day allowing grace for himself to have an off game then he is likely to let the bad performance go and focus on how to improve for the next game.

Using the same analogy, imagine you are the entire team. There may be some games you lose and can identify that the pitcher had an off game. However, even with the loss it is possible that your first baseman had the game of his life. So acknowledging the successes along with areas of improvement can be helpful. Christ tells us in 2 Corinthians 12:9, “…My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

Forgiving yourself so you can forgive others (Forgive others as Christ forgave you)

Forgiving yourself can also help you forgive others. Usually, people tend to hold others to the same standards they have for themselves. When people do not meet these standards offenses can develop. However, as we learn to have grace toward ourselves we then can operate in grace toward others recognizing that if we have received grace so can those around us. Forgive others as Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:32).

Practical Suggestions for How to Forgive Yourself

Ask the Holy Spirit to help you in this difficult area of your life where there is unforgiveness toward yourself. Ask the Father for forgiveness and repent. Confide in a close friend or family member (Galatians 6:2). Tune into your self-talk and challenge any bullying thoughts. Apologize to yourself, sincerely. Maybe it’s writing out a letter of apology to yourself.

If you find yourself struggling with self-forgiveness or would like someone to walk alongside you through this process please reach out to schedule an appointment. It would be an honor to partner with you on your self-forgiveness journey.