The Link Between Abandonment Trauma and Vulnerability

Most of us have one or two close friends to whom we can open up, even though we might default to bottling things up and dealing with struggles alone. Vulnerability is a risk that requires us to trust someone else with personal information, not unlike an animal exposing its belly to potential predators.

We might not have realized it, but there is often a link between our struggles with letting our guard down and abandonment trauma. As tricky as vulnerability can be, it is a skill that we can learn and practice. However, we might have to confront the abandonment trauma we have experienced before we can learn to trust others.

The Lonely Child

The first person we learn to trust in life is the parent we are closest to. We tell them about our day at school and the things we learned, and we ask them questions about the world around us. Their openness and availability provide a safe place in which we can learn, grow, and feel valued.

However, not every child has this kind of bond with an adult. Others experience moments of closeness and intimacy with their parents, followed by times when they are distant and closed off.

Some children learn to be self-reliant at a young age. This is a survival tactic; they are learning to cope with the trauma that comes from neglect or abandonment. A parent might be physically present in their child’s life, performing all the tasks that a parent should, but emotionally distant from them.

When a parent fails to show concern and interest in their children’s lives, their kids will learn that their experiences, fears, preferences, and accomplishments are meaningless. Some children appear to be resilient on the outside, while on the inside, they are lonely and scared, always looking for someone to connect with.

Independent Teens

Teens are often private, secretive, and standoffish with their families. Some of this behavior is a natural part of being a teen, while a lot of it is self-protection against neglect and abandonment. Some parents forbid locked doors and force “family time” on their teens, demanding them to be present at the dinner table and to keep their electronic devices off when the family sits down to eat.

More often than not, though, teens are left to fend for themselves, just as they did when they were younger. These kinds of teens tend to retreat into themselves like snails in a shell, creating deep private worlds that are free from neglect, betrayal, or abandonment.

Our teenage years are about our development as individuals, but that development is often marred by low self-esteem and crippling self-awareness. Many teens long to have peers who respect them, friends who love them, and romantic relationships that last, but they lack the developmental skills required to sustain such connections.

Vulnerability is a developmental skill. Without it, we have shallow relationships and frustrated people who want to love us but are stuck on the other side of our locked door.

Opening Up

Even the thought of initiating a conversation about personal things can feel awkward or even terrifying for some. It is like having someone touch the place of an old wound; we flinch because we remember the pain we experienced and instinctively try to protect ourselves.

The best way of healing abandonment trauma is to allow space for someone to connect with us and care for us. For that to happen, we must grant them access to our sensitive, guarded places.

Whether it is a counselor, close friend, significant other, or even parent we are opening up to, it helps to have conversation prompts. These are sentences that we can use to help us initiate a deep conversation about something meaningful. It could help to write down some sentences or conversation starters and practice saying them in the mirror.

We might initially feel foolish, but over time, it will become less awkward and more natural. Vulnerability is a muscle that grows and strengthens as we use it.

Common Topics Related to Vulnerability

Here are some common topics surrounding vulnerability, and sentences we can use to initiate a conversation around them:

Fear or insecurity in a relationship

Whether it is with a friend, significant other, or spouse, we often worry that they will see us differently if we express our insecurities. As with all of these conversation prompts, we will find it a lot easier to be vulnerable when expressing our thoughts as they are.

We could say, “I want to open up, but I’m afraid it might change the way you see me,” or “I’m struggling to talk about this because I don’t want you to think I’m weak.” We could even keep it simple and say, “I struggle in this area, and I don’t know why.” Each of these statements is an invitation for a loved one to ask more questions, or to alleviate a fear.

Expressing our needs without feeling guilty.
People with abandonment trauma often feel as if they can’t ask for things from their loved ones. We might be so used to meeting our own needs and fulfilling our desires that we don’t know how to let others help us. Remember that with a loved one, we are allowed to be honest. We don’t have to use fancy words with them.

Try saying, “I hold back from asking for what I need because it makes me feel like I’m a burden.”, “I don’t know how to ask you for this, but it’s important to me, so maybe we could talk about it?”, or “I feel weird asking for this, but I also know you care for me and won’t judge me.”

Talking about emotional wounds

Opening up about our past will bridge any intimacy gaps between us and our loved ones and will provide crucial context for them to connect with us. You want them to know that the following conversation will be deeply personal and meaningful to you and that they must not be dismissive or flippant about it.

We could say, “I want to talk to you about something that I don’t often talk about. I trust you enough to share about it now.”, “I’m not good at opening up, but it’s something I’m working on. Can I talk to you about something personal?”, or “This is a sensitive area for me, but I’m working on healing. Sharing it with you could be part of that healing.”

Admitting when you’re hurt or offended

Just as we may struggle to ask for help, we also tend to struggle to admit to the times when we’ve been hurt or offended by a loved one. Often, we feel like we would upset the relationship by bringing it up. Having a conversation about the times we have been hurt in a relationship is crucial to intimacy and overcoming abandonment trauma, though.

Try these statements:

• “I usually wouldn’t say something, but I’m not okay with what happened”
• “I don’t have the right words except to say my feelings were hurt”
• “I know it might have seemed like I was okay, but what happened really affected me”

Asking someone for emotional support

The truth is that we don’t need to struggle alone anymore. We were made for relationships and connection, and we will be healthier when we are in them. Trusting another person is hard when we haven’t had anyone to rely on in the past.

We could approach the subject now with statements like, “I don’t need you to try and fix this for me. I just want someone to listen to me.”, “I don’t know how to handle this, but I could use your perspective.”, or “Could you hold space for me right now? I need to get this out.”

Christian Counseling for Abandonment Trauma Vulnerability

Sometimes, it is easier to open up to a neutral third party about personal things because we are less worried about what they think of us. A counselor is a wonderful source of emotional support if you are struggling with vulnerability and abandonment trauma. If you would like to connect with a counselor, please reach out to us today.